I Am Giving Up….. I Admit Defeat, I Have Failed

English: Angelina Jolie at the Cannes Film fes...
English: Angelina Jolie at the Cannes Film festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

His last girlfriend was a bipolar as well, but he met her when she was manic and at her most charming. I was neither manic nor depressed when he met me. I was surfing a gentle sine wave. I was riding my bike every day, swimming in the pool for the rest of the afternoon, I had a life that I had carved out for myself with a lot of hard work and introspection. I had friends. Good friends that I now do not have. I do not know if this is the illness biting me in the ass, or if her has me so isolated from every one that people just stopped coming around.

He judges me on a daily basis. Because he is arrogant enough to point out that women/girls in big cities take the time to fix their hair just so, and make their lips look like Angelina Jolie after a collagen injection. I do not want to look like that. I want to look like me, just enhanced. I do not want to look like Mick Jagger. But, he says that is what turns him on (thank you Internet porn for warping my husband.) It didn’t used to be an issue. But, I still continue to be held to standards of female beauty that I just do not agree with. I have achieved a compromise with the all important lip liner. I just have to say that if he expects me to try to turn him on, he needs to bathe more than once a month. Why should I bother trying to be a porno slut if he can’t even keep his hygiene under control? That turns me off, completely.

I have hit the point where I really do not care if I turn him on or not. I am comfortable with the way I look. At the risk  of sounding vain, I am not an unattractive woman. I know for a fact that I am beautiful. Both inside and out. Besides, having sex with him after nearly three months is going to feel like a one night stand. He’ll get up and go sleep on the couch, and I will fall asleep in the bed. It has been this way for months. He just refuses to sleep in the same bed with me. Oh well, benefit for me. I have less back pain than I did before  :) I can just feel my self losing faith in what is supposed to be a partnership, and a loving marriage. Granted, I can understand his position. He has inherited my anger and volatile temper along with a whole lot of hurt from life, in general. And, yes, I do lash out at him even though he has nothing to do with past issues, but the Internet Porn is all his doing. That is something he has done all on his own, and it has changed him from the man I used to know. He continues to view it for hours on end even though he knows that it hurts me and that I do not like it.

What happened to quid pro qou? He gives up some of the time he spends with the porn sluts, and keeps his hygiene up, and he might see a change in my attitude. but, as it stands now, nothing is going to change. i cannot change him, I can only change myself. And, he may not like that new self.  I am half inclined to go with my mom today to file divorce papers today. I have rarely admitted defeat before I try to succeed, but this marriage seems hopeless. I am the only one who has to change, I am the only one causing problems between us (ummm, hello, hours on the Internet looking at other naked women, and watching them do anything; that one’s on him.) It just isn’t going to work between us. He is a big city guy stuck in a Southwestern “town” (never mind that there are 750,000 people living here.) I am never going to be able to be what he has decided he likes women to look like. I am who I am, and I am what I am. I have no apologies for that, I do not regret anything that I have done or has transpired to make me who I am. What I think is sad is that none of this had to happen. He could have stopped the porn stuff, and he could have been less adamant that I look like a big city girl. I am not from a big city, and therefore, I do take care with my makeup, but I have never had anyone with such an adamant and unwavering attitude that I must look like the big city women. I am fine with the way I look. Other men seem appreciative. He’s the only one who is dissatisfied with the way I look. And that argument is part of a larger whole of dysfunction in this relationship. it really isn’t about lipliner, it is about appreciation, and he might get what he wants if he would just bathe more often. This whole argument is about two people not wanting to do what it takes to make this work.

I am not the only one who has to change, he has his own issues that he should be working on, not focusing on my mental health issues. He says that I spend all my time thinking about my “illness,” I can guarantee you that he spends far more time on it than I do. Having Bipolar Disorder has just become part of my life; he’s the one who is hung up on it, and mentions nearly every day. And using lip liner is not going to help. As I said before, why should I bother when his basic hygiene is so bad? Why should I turn myself into one of his “fantasy” women if he won’t keep himself clean? I am giving up. I admit defeat. I admit that this failed because I was too defensive, too abrasive, and not enough of a whole lot of other things. I just cannot do this anymore. This argument is about respect, and compassion/appreciation for the other party. I have tried. I have failed.

7 thoughts on “I Am Giving Up….. I Admit Defeat, I Have Failed

  1. Good for you and it is not just your failure so don’t own it all. I got divorced from my first because of no mental hygiene always just pay for his habits.He didn’t work much, contribute to the household much at all. Second worked but spent more then the household needed. I provided the standard of living and both got hooked but didn’t want to pay or care for anything but their own habits first.
    Sex I don’t feel as bit sorry for them. It takes more then hygiene to be sexy, romantic it takes constantly earning respect. If the partner can’t earn respect then get out of it. There is no hope.
    Now I am lucky. I have one that does concern himself with hygiene and what the household does and owns. He doesn’t need me and I don’t need him to maintain a certain standard of living. We can both carry the same. Anything happens to him, I can carry it on. Anything happens to me, he can. That is being wanted.
    No matter what happens, being wanted is a lot easier to deal with when all the financial respect, romance respect is already there.
    Communication, religion, politics, and communication are the marriage breakers.

    He was every bit as responsible as you were. To me asking a partner to change just means you have more then a hair doo issue. So get Mom and file those papers. If you failed, he did to. If he wanted you to change then I would guess he as more in failure to deal with before he can find peace in any other relationship again. You are working on you and keep that dedication up and you will find the you that makes you happy.

    After my last marriage that was a complete failure. I am for getting it all over with now. Because if they are going to cause you problems they are simply going to cause problems. Best to have control over your own household if they do start in.


    1. You are fortunate to have found a real man…. they are becoming rare. I gave up so much to marry this guy, but as we all know, when you are dating , the game face is on. it isn’t until later that you find out about all their dirty little secrets.


      1. No they are not going to be rare. They are going to get better in the New World Power. Secrets. I don’t approach them as secrets they are faults. Give them time to fix them they do or don’t. Don’t dump them.


          1. Well, they are well on their way to blowing up the planet, and they still do not get it. Many men think that just because they are men that they have some sort of advanced knowledge. I have run into too many pseudo-intellectuals to know that some men, not all, are just too arrogant for their own good. These guys will bring you nothing but heartache, so its best to dump them before they can dump you. I guess I am on an anti-male tear today.


Care to comment?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s