I Am So Freaking Frustrated

I am feeling so utterly and completely frustrated right now. I feel like crying, but I can’t because the meds keep me from crying most of the time. I really need a marriage counselor, and my Medicare Advantage Plan does not cover marriage counseling. Like older people do not need a bit of help here and there with their relationships?!!?! WTF?!?!?! I realize that I am only 40-ish, but since I qualify for Medicare part B, I also qualify for the Medicare Advantage Plans. It covers my psychiatrist and my therapist, so why does the outpatient mental/”behavioral” health not cover marriage counseling. A bad marriage is mentally taxing and draining. And, those are bad things for Bipolars. Maybe that’s why every one of my relationships have gone south. 

My husband hasn’t talked to me in two days, we haven’t slept in the same bed for two months, and the marital relations thing is not happening. At this point, it would be like being with a stranger. I do not know who he is anymore. I do not know who I am in relation to the marriage. I know who I am away from him, but not when with him. There is a Crosby, Stills, and Nash song about how two people while apart are two separate people, but when together they create a third entity. I do not know what my place in the third entity is. If I even have one. 

 He claims to want to go to therapy, but I see him doing no work to find a therapist, or anything. That seems to me to be a sign that he is not really serious about repairing what used to be a really beautiful relationship. I cannot live like this. I need for this to either end or get fixed. And, I am not one to admit defeat until I have tried to win. It is like saying you do not like a food you have never tried. How do you know if you haven’t tried it? So, I am unwilling to admit defeat until I run out of options. Then, and only then, will I admit it is impossible, the situation untenable, and that I have failed.

I am trying to find something through Medicare or Community Outreach programs, but I am finding nothing that seems helpful……no wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high. There’s no help anywhere. 

I really feel like having a tantrum; full-fledged with kicking and screaming and crying, but I cannot due to medication. Even though I have specifically kept my doses low enough to be therapeutic, but still allow me to feel, they make it so I just cannot cry. That’s all I want to do. I am so frustrated with our mental health system. It is not just dysfunctional; it is broken, perhaps irreparably. People have crises in all parts of their lives. If I was suicidal, I could get help. But I am not suicidal. What I am is someone trying to save their marriage. So much for family values as espoused by the Right-wingers.

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