Is this a trick question? Well, in the event that it is not, my name is Jennifer, and this blog is my journey through the mood disorder Bipolar Type I which is apparently the classic and worst form of the illness. This blog is my attempt to make sense of my illness, explore how it affects those around me, how I experience life, and hopefully make the illness less stigmatized and scary, and educate people about people like myself. We are not the abnormal, frightening people that people think of when they hear the words “mental illness.” My intention is two-fold: to explore my illness for my own sake, and to provide an experience for people to read and perhaps come to a better understanding of this disorder, and realize that while it cannot be cured, it can be managed. It is my hope that this blog help people who may suffer from this disorder, or are close to people with this disorder. I will update it as I remember things that have happened, that I have said or done during episodes and while in the “green middle ground” as I once heard it described. So, I apologize if it may seem a bit out of order. I also apologize if you are offended by occasional bad language. I do tend to use a bad word every now and again, but it is to make a point. I have been rather cranky recently due to some personal issues so, if you find the posts are becoming a bit despairing, please do not worry, I am always fine in some way or another. It is just the nature of Manic Depressive Illness to be a bit irritable from time to time especially when your life has turned into a train wreck, and it was just fine before. There was nothing wrong with my life before I met my husband, but to hear him tell it, I was unhappy, morose, always looked like I was brooding. Ummm, hello, at the time I went bike riding every morning at 8 am rain, shine, freezing, hot, didn’t matter. Every Sunday, my friend Mikey drug me on “death marches” around Albuquerque. Sometimes, his brother, Joe, joined us. I would get home, take a nap, and go spend the rest of the day by the pool. Doesn’t sound like a bad life to me.
Anyway, one of the goals of this blog is trying to put myself in other’s shoes, so I can see what it is like to be on the other side of the disorder. That would help me understand my husband’s reactions which are sometimes completely inapropriate for the situation.
I think one of the reasons I am having so much trouble being married is that I have had some run-ins with men and people in general that have left me more than a little
cynical, and more than a little jaded. I do not trust the intentions of very many people, and it takes years to earn my trust which really sucks because most guys don’t wait that long. That unfortunately is part of my form of Manic Depression; paranoia. My husband makes no effort to understand me, henceforth the blog and all the journals. It’s just me trying to make sense of my life which makes no sense at all; it is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn’t work unless you smooth the edges.