Flowers 1 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Is this a trick question? Well, in the event that it is not, my name is Jennifer, and this blog is my journey through the mood disorder Bipolar Type I which is apparently the classic and worst form of the illness. This blog is my attempt to make sense of my illness, explore how it affects those around me, how I experience life, and hopefully make the illness less stigmatized and scary, and educate people about people like myself. We are not the abnormal, frightening people that people think of when they hear the words “mental illness.” My intention is two-fold: to explore my illness for my own sake, and to provide an experience for people to read and perhaps come to a better understanding of this disorder, and realize that while it cannot be cured, it can be managed. It is my hope that this blog help people who may suffer from this disorder, or are close to people with this disorder. I will update it as I remember things that have happened, that I have said or done during episodes and while in the “green middle ground” as I once heard it described. So, I apologize if it may seem a bit out of order. I also apologize if you are offended by occasional bad language. I do tend to use a bad word every now and again, but it is to make a point. I have been rather cranky recently due to some personal issues so, if you find the posts are becoming a bit despairing, please do not worry, I am always fine in some way or another. It is just the nature of Manic Depressive Illness to be a bit irritable from time to time especially when your life has turned into a train wreck, and it was just fine before. There was nothing wrong with my life before I met my husband, but to hear him tell it, I was unhappy, morose, always looked like I was brooding. Ummm, hello, at the time I went bike riding every morning at 8 am rain, shine, freezing, hot, didn’t matter. Every Sunday, my friend Mikey drug me on “death marches” around Albuquerque. Sometimes, his brother, Joe, joined us. I would get home, take a nap, and go spend the rest of the day by the pool. Doesn’t sound like a bad life to me.
Anyway, one of the goals of this blog is trying to put myself in other’s shoes, so I can see what it is like to be on the other side of the disorder. That would help me understand my husband’s reactions which are sometimes completely inapropriate for the situation.
I think one of the reasons I am having so much trouble being married is that I have had some run-ins with men and people in general that have left me more than a little
WPA era Roosevelt Park in Southeast Albuquerque, New Mexico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
cynical, and more than a little jaded. I do not trust the intentions of very many people, and it takes years to earn my trust which really sucks because most guys don’t wait that long. That unfortunately is part of my form of Manic Depression; paranoia. My husband makes no effort to understand me, henceforth the blog and all the journals. It’s just me trying to make sense of my life which makes no sense at all; it is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn’t work unless you smooth the edges.
Hello Jennifer,
)It is for these reasons that I contact you today.
My name is Leigh. Your exceptional blog deals with bipolar and depression awareness and I know you are familiar with the importance of mental health (obviously
I am ‘every woman’, the girl next door and the one you never would have suspected, however, for years I have been struggling with depression. I have written a book about my experiences entitled “The Blue Veil”.
Through this book, it is my aim to reduce the stigma of depression by increasing awareness of the issue. I am donating a large percentage of the proceeds to 15 carefully chosen mental health awareness organizations worldwide. I have provided the list of these organizations at the end of this email.
This is where you come in. I am organizing a 2 month long online book release campaign, structured around various depression awareness weeks around the world. It will be from July 1st to August 31st. My request is, during this period of time would you be willing to host me on your blog for a few days of those months? This can be carried out in a few ways:
-I would send you a couple/few articles that talk about my book and of course depression awareness. You would post these articles on your blog over a few days during those months (letting me know which days you will choose)
OR
-You could write your own prose about “The Blue Veil” and depression awareness and post these articles on your blog over the course of the months (letting me know which days you will choose).
Now you may be wondering what is in this for you and your blog? Well, I could provide you with a free version of “The Blue Veil”. You could also review the depression awareness organizations, which I will send to you, to see if there is one you would like to be included and I will certainly look into it.
More on “The Blue Veil”:
Up to 58 MILLION suffer from it in the US alone, and VERY FEW talk about it. Is it your friend, colleague or neighbor? Now, finally, ‘The Blue Veil’ brings a modern, raw account of depression. Read it and understand your loved ones better. Be assured that no one is alone.
“Leigh has everything going for her when the unthinkable happens. She loses control of her own emotions and everything in her life begins to slip away. With a marriage strained to the brink, the loss of her father, fertility issues and the loss of her job, will Leigh be able to move beyond The Blue Veil and take back control of her future?“
Thanks so much for your consideration and efforts. I understand that you are busy, so I wanted to express my sincere gratitude. It is with great respect for you and your blog that I write this email and it would mean so much to me to have your readers aware of my efforts.
Please do not hesitate to contact me at any time if you have any questions regarding my request.
Sincerely yours,
Leigh Turgeon
email: leighturgeon@gmail.com
Twitter: @leighslead
The Blue Veil Blog http://behindtheblueveil.blogspot.ca/
FB Page The Blue Veil https://www.facebook.com/TheBlueVeil
FB Page Leigh Turgeon https://www.facebook.com/LeighTurgeon
1-613-794-4657
i believe that i started my blog to have a place to express myself as freely as possible & hopefully find my voice to speak about all the secrets that people keep silent. if i find the courage to write about the truth of what i know & learn along the way. i will discover who i am & i will stop being silent. the more i write the braver the words are that form the thoughts & feelings inside of me & come forth into the world for me to read & if someone else finds something in what i write that would be okay with me. one thing that is most important to me is to break the silence & end the stigma of being something that is different than “normal.” and to enjoy the act of created something that might be significant and it can also be fun. i’m going to use this on my site. you have inpspired me with your words. thank you.
Thank you for your touching comment. That was my hope when I started the blog was to help others while exploring the illness myself. I do not consider myself mentally ill, I am mentally interesting. Keep writing. The more people know and understand that we are “normal” people, the less the stigma will become.
thank you. i agree i feel like i am mentally interesting and bipolar brilliant. the stigma is in the mind of those who do not understand. they need to hear and see we are not “crazy” or going to hurt them. we just want to live our lives as freely as anyone else.
I completely agree. I do think that so called “normal” people need to understand that we are not “nuts” or anything else. And, yes the public stigma surrounding Bipolar is entirely in the minds of people who make the choice not to learn about a disease that affects millions worldwide. It is their choice not to learn and understand the mentally ill that keeps us in a “box” that they can label as crazy and different from them. We are not different, just more challenging and complex. And, yeah, we just want to live life just like those “normal” people.
I hate being labeled as sick. I have found that a lot of “normal” people can’t get past the term Bipolar, and they just assume that you are sick and that is the way it is. That just bugs me. My significant other does that a lot, and it has been really damaging to our relationship.
i started writing a response to your comment and it turned into a long piece of writing. what you said so inspired me that i ended up with a piece that i am going to put on my blog as a post, talking about “normal” vs “crazy” or “mentally ill” is something that cannot be measured. and how we are exhibited in films and on tv is such an exageration. that is why society cannot see who we are who have a psych chart with one or multiple diagnoses. i will not allow someone to judge me b/c of what my chart says. if someone wants to judge then i don’t feel that they are the kind of person i would want in my life. it may be hard for those in our life to deal with the effects of our diagnosis/es but that’s what therapy is for, to learn how to adjust. if someone loves you they will be willing to work on understanding. and adjust as you adjust to the effects of your bipolar or whatever your diagnosis might be. i know it isn’t easy for them but it isn’t easy for us either. there really isn’t any such thing as “normal.”
I completely agree with you. There is no such thing as “normal”. There are over 330 different mental health diagnoses in the DSM-R. So, how can someone be “normal?” My main problem is that i live with someone with major chronic depression who is undiagnosed and in denial. At the very least, I own my mental illnesses. I know I can become ill at any time, and I try like h*&^ to keep that from happening. I am learning what will send me over the edge, and how to stop it. And, this is 10 years after the diagnosis. It is a never ending task.
i have been living with the knowledge of having bipolar for just over a year but i have been bipolar i think since i was a kid. i am only just learning how to manage the stress and negative emotions that come with the hypomania phase. i have other diagnoses that i have been dealing with in therapy since i was 19. i think you are right, it is important to face what is happening inside of you. i have a hard time understanding why someone does not want to seek out help but i guess some people just can’t go inside to look at the truth or find it too painful. my family when i was a teenager couldn’t deal with the secrets and the mental illness. denial is a strong impulse. not facing reality as it exists is something a major amount of people do. i think therapy should be mandatory for everyone no matter how healthy or not healthy you think you are. self analysis can only imporve your life. awareness is very important to me but it isn’t for a lot of people. you can’t force someone though, it would only make things worse probalby. does the person you live with see a medical doctor? if they do, you would think the doc would work with what is wrong. good luck. just keep doing your own work, that’s all you can do. and no i don’t think there is any such thing as normal. it’s just a comfortable word that makes those who think they are “normal” feel better about themselves.
I think that for someone who is a “newbie” to the bipolar diagnosis, you have remarkable insight.
whoa, thank you. i read a lot. all the time. and do therapy twice a week. that is a very encouraging thing for you to say. totally supportive. it really helps to connect to people who know what it’s like. that really helps me to grow my understandng. once agan, thank you so much. namaste!
You are welcome. It is so important to have support with this illness. Keep up the reading ! I read memoirs of people with manic depression because it helps to remind me that this is really an equal opportunity disease. Try “Manic: a Memoir” it is fantastic.
i will do that. will check for on amazon later today. books are one of my favorite things. but can’t leave out films & music. there are too many things i love. that’s a good thing. jen
i stopped by to see how you were doing and later i was going to drop off a surprise. i read your recent post. sorry to see that things are getting rough. a long time ago a former therapist came up with a great idea on how to deal with money and responsibilities in a relationship .all our money goes into a househod account, mine and s/o, then we each get a monthly allowance. that money we can spend on anything we want without needing permission. for the household account you both determine what that money will take care of paying for. like a pizza as a treat. or clothing or medical beyond insurance. s/o is in charge of bills. i freak at doing them. certain times we can both use the household account for something special. but this way all the important bills and such are taken care of including food of course. then there is no arguing about money. the checks come in and go straight into the main acount and allowances are paid at the same time. i must say it was the best idea for working with equal money with very few argumenys. no one can tell you not to buy something for yourself-it’s your money. it has worked for over 15 yrs. the allowance might change depending on what amount of money is coming in. trust me it works. do you think your s/o would go for this. it certainly would take the pressure off of you. also you can’t give up your cats. no way.. is it that bad? he just doesn’t get that you are you not a diagnosis. my s/o gets me sometimes. she doesn’t understand i don’t want the meds so the symptoms come through but sometimes excirement is just that excitement. so i stay up till dawn. i like to create. i’m not sleepy. i do take some pills for sleep but i have to want to sleep. i am a quirky person and emotional and she is mostly calm all the time except when she is writing or editing then she gets grumpy. i do get irritable and lose it sometimes but iam learning and tring to modify my behavior. i am working towad doing various forms of yoga: meditation, mindfulness and tantric where i let go of my thoughts and illlsions of the world except this moment. it’s better than giving up the highs. and i work through the lows. the depression i have been keeping at bay fr a littlr while now. days no t weeks and sometimes just part of days. writing and music seemto help.and spending a little at a time helps with it. back to whats going on with you. the last post was pretty serious about starting over somewhere else. how supportive emotionally is your mother? who was this man you spek of and what happenned to him? relationships are not static and you are never really sure what they really are. if you want to write to me, i will listen. jen ps. i wish you the best.
hi! hope everything is going great for you. just stopped by to leave a surprise.
I have nominated you for The Sunshine Award. Check it out here http://thesecretkeeper.net/2012/06/12/the-sunshine-award-nomination/ . I hope you like it. “the secret keeper” aka jennifer.
Thank you so much!!! I feel very honored! And humbled! I hope things are okay in your world. My mixed episodes seem to have disappeared with an increase in Abilify. Not sure if I liked the mania or not, but now i back to constantly fighting the “low mood.” I think better than too many manic days.
I hope you are well! Thank you again! Nobody has ever nominated me for anything.
it is my honor. so the abilify helps with the mixed moods. that is good for you. it’s those low moods i don’t look forward to. depression is so overpowering and pulls you down under to he point where it feels like you are going to drown in it. i’m working with my therapist to be free from psych meds except those for panic. it is a struggle. i go through days of hypomaina where i am quite productive but just prior to therapy days i drop into a depression w/ feelings of self destruciton. my therapist is starting to get a complex. it’s cause and effect. fearing what will come up during therapy. but i am coping with the changes in moods. difficult as it may be for me & my s/o. i just hate the drugs, they really do effect my energy and my mind from functioning well.
i am glad that i nominted you. when i received my nomination, it made me feel so delighted. post it proudly on your blog.
feel good and go easy on yourself when you get into the down moods. jen
How do you nominate someone? i want to nominate your blog because it is just flat out interesting. There’s a few more too. I haven’t figured out how to actually nominate someone, yet.
Jen
I just read what you said about me and my blog on the Sunshine awards page. I am truly humbled by your words, and thoughts.
Jennifer (songtothesirens)
i meant every word. it so helps all that read your inspired words to heal or feel better about themselves. you have done that for me. thank you. jen
I need to know how to nominate people so i can nominate you.
How do you nominate people?
i just thought about what blogs had an effect on me and the people who created them, how i felt about them or how i reacted to the way in which they expressed themselves and how that effected me. also, how i interacted with the people who i followed and who followed me. a combination of all of these. also, if i felt a relationship developed out of the connection with the person who created th blog. you learn a great deal when people make comments on your blogs or you make comments on theirs and how they respond. lots of branches reaching out from the center and how they make you feel. does that help any. kind of go by your gut reaction and how your mind perceives how a blogger presents themslves through their posts. jennifer
Do you just email them or post on their blog somewhere that you have nominated them? I think i am doing it wrong.
“Before you met your husband you had a good life”. So why not after? I can only judge by this statement that you felt he abused you. SO how much therapy does it take to say” I made a mistake” He is a bastard and I refuse to let him continue his win of dragging me down”? How much in meds and therapy does this take?
The wrong man is what it sound like. Please red my recent post on closure for government. The government is responsible for leaving this crap all around us. So who cleans it up? The one alive the tops preserved and failed to see power in.
Since the one can, the one is. I say get on the bike and ride, climb those mountains, swim in those beaches, it far better for him to see. Turn it on him, let him own his failure. Don’t let his failure own you.
I think the reason for my difficulties in marriage are largely due to my long years of living alone, and having become used to a certain standard of freedom. I cannot have that particular type of freedom anymore because there is now another person whose feelings I have to consider.
I am actually in therapy for reasons that completely separate from my marriage, and are very deeply buried wounds from my childhood (if you can call it that) and teen years. I am in the process of lifting the rock to see what is hiding there. And it is ugly. I do not think that my husband abuses me. That started happening a long time ago in a completely different lifetime.
good for you. Most are not brave enough.
I have never felt the need for a man to be present for me to live my life. i do not feel that need for “completion”. I can be complete in and of myself.
Then believe it and communicate it non verbally too. Until you communicate it non-verbally people will not believe you. I think your only problem is finding people that like you for what you are.
Dishing out mental health is just asking people to respond to it. Have another way of getting attention you really want.? You are screaming to get out of the box. Hang in there, you will. I believe in you.
Well, thank you. I do pretty well on my own. I have a few good friends, and a great family. It’s funny, I desire attention just like everyone else, but when I get it, I find that I get really shy and just want to sink into the floor. So, I do not know if I really need attention or not.
Attention was not what this blog was meant to garner. It was originally meant as a way for me to learn about myself through free association style writing, to encourage other Bipolars that is possible to reach a functioning state of being, and that not all mentally ill people are going to kill you. But it hasn’t turned out that way at all. It has garnered attention which I suppose I wanted but not at a personal level, more of a non-personal level. I wanted it to be about me, but not about me. If that makes sense.
Well it does but your replys are more you then your posts. Your replys are the personal you. Your posts are the not personal you.
So is it a public block? Maybe having a hard time escaping the end result of abuse and letting yourself be liked? Maybe getting past the fact of your own bad judgement for respecting their opinion to begin with will make it easier to be publicly liked.
Not like abusers and victimizers just have some tattoo on them that say ” Judge me differently and take all I dish out and love me for it too.
So you made a bad judgement in a person. Divorce it, put back on the shelf, throw it away, spit it out. Who hasn’t ?
I have been divorced twice. Now I am going to brave another relationship where I know I am doomed to fall hopelessly in love again. So I had to tell him that I needed help to not let the past failure of my own male judgments and their results not effect him when we approach decisions making together.
That is courage, that is honesty, that is no fear, that is earning respect. Being honest about what is reality and by doing that, I get his in return. In fact doing it myself, I can demand it back. If he doesn’t give it back, it’s his loss not mine. Instead of a cycle of abuse, we get a mutual cycle of respect. When that happens.. the romance when you gain mutual respect…………………..Ongoing foreplay that never ends.
We have been working on it, and the posts that are more clinical and sound like research papers for school are just one side of me. The other posts where something has made me angry, that’s me too. The video posts are yet another manifestation of me. All of me is in this blog. I just think that perhaps the extremely layered personality that I have can be daunting to deal with. I am like that box of chocolates in “Forest Gump”. You never know what you are going to get
Well who eats the same chocolate and likes it every minute of the day? LOL You need to get out and be the very likable person you are.
I do get out. I am very active in the Buddhist community I belong to. I have made some amazing friends over the past few years. Just some really down to earth, genuinely caring and friendly people. I would love to go back to school, and so I am going to try to make that happen. And thanks for thinking I am likable…..I sometimes dwell too far down in the deep.
I love the title of this blog. I’ve described the depressive parts of my (possible) bipolar ii disorder as ‘going down the rabbit hole’. There’s no other way to put it!
There really isn’t. I have Bipolar I with psychotic features, and when I start to slide, it is like being Alice on her way to meet the Mad Hatter. Henceforth, the Rabbit Hole. Thank you for the compliment!