I have been having a terrible time with sleeping recently which for someone who has Bipolar is a really bad thing. I get in bed after taking nighttime meds, I read a little, I get sleepy, I turn out the light, and Bam!, I am awake, but sleepy because of the meds. I cleaned up my room at 12:30 am having gone to bed at 10:00 pm, and sleeping for about 2 hours, and then there it goes, my eyes open, my brain starts up, and I end up doing really crazy sounding stuff like cleaning up my room at 12:30 am, and then watching TV for 3 hours, going back to bed, and sleeping a little then waking up at 5:00 am. That is around 4 hours. However, the problem is that it is not 4 hours straight. I have been cat-napping for about 2 weeks.
I finally call my doctor in desperation at 8:00 am yesterday explaining to the tech that answered the phone that I needed to speak to his nurse, that I have bipolar disorder, I am not sleeping more than an hour or two at a time, that my diagnosis also included the potential for psychosis. and that I was starting to hear and see things I knew were not real (major check for psychosis; if you know it isn’t real then you are not psychotic, yet). In other words, I tried to make it very clear that I was dissembling rapidly. I called two more times. Nothing. At approximately 5 in the evening, I talked to another tech, by this time fairly freaked out, and she assured me that a nurse would call me straightaway. Nope. By 6 pm, I was sobbing uncontrollably (lack of emotional control due to lack of sleep), and seeing and hearing things.
I was having this ethical argument with myself about whether it was wrong to go to the ER and take up a bed that someone else who was very ill or injured could use just because I couldn’t sleep and was becoming psychotic, or should I just stay home and hope that that which is up will always come down. You know its bad when you are having moral arguments with yourself, and both teams are deadlocked. So I called a nurse hotline in an attempt to clear up this moral dilemma. I figured maybe a third, impartial party could solve the issue. Nope. That’s just the way my life flows (or doesn’t). She said I should go because of the hallucinations, but since I knew they were not real, I was not psychotic, yet, therefore, I could probably stay home and try to get some sleep, and try the doctor again in the morning. Which I ultimately did do, and I slept. I did not sleep straight through, I did wake up a handful of times, but by now I am so tired that I have no choice but to sleep.
I am still tired, but I am awake for the day, and there is no going back down which I don’t think I ever did. I think my body in collusion with my brain said “Enough is enough. We are sleeping now….” so off to sleep I went. I am still hearing things and seeing things in my peripheral vision that I know are not there. That is a good thing. It means I am not psychotic, yet. I am pretty pissed off at my doctor’s office though. A bipolar on the verge of psychosis is not funny, it is a very real crisis. But, you are not suicidal and you are not homicidal, so it must not be that bad. Ahem (clearing throat)…….when its you that cannot sleep, and are hearing and seeing things….its bad. Fucking “normal” people.