I am thinking about the impossible to know with a reasonable level of certainty. What do two people have to do or not do to make a marriage work or die a flaming death much like mine? AC/DC’s song “Shot Down in Flames” comes to mind. While I admit that the world is probably a safer place for all involved if I live alone, I wonder what it was that I obviously did or did not do. I know what my problem with the whole grown-ups behaving badly thing is/was. No need to cover old ground, or extremely tainted water under a falling bridge.
I realize that having a diagnosis such as Bipolar tends to knock you a little sideways, and your perceptions of yourself in relation to the world changes a bit (maybe more than a bit). However, once you have recovered your senses, and you happen to be a highly functional mentally interesting person, shouldn’t things get easier not more tedious? Yes, I flew off the handle one too many times, but once again, I wasn’t the one who could not leave my computer sometimes for days on end. I tried to communicate, but how do you communicate with someone who does not know how to communicate with you? It’s like clapping with one hand (thanks to Anthrax for that analogy).
What are you supposed to do with someone who has no desire to really get to know who you are apart from your interestingness, and does not seem to have any desire to learn anything substantial about Bipolar? I, upon receiving said diagnosis, went out and read everything that seemed legitimate. How can you battle that which you do not understand fully? Answer: you cannot effectively deal with any illness unless you know what you are dealing with.
This was supposed to be forever, but I guess that’s a big fairy tale society tells little girls: your knight in shining armor will come and all will be sparkly and shiny and smiley and happily ever after. They lied. I think I met my knight in shining armor, and ditched him to get married to a man who turned out to be a far cry from the “face” he put on during the courtship. I am sure he feels the same about me, but I really do not know how to be anything but myself. He knew my moods weren’t completely handled, but he said, no problem, he could handle it. Apparently not.
So, now I am in my early 40′s looking at starting all over again. Dating in my 30′s was not a problem because of said knight in shining armor. I never had to worry about someone to go drink beer and listen to blues bands with. He was always there for me, in all ways. What the hell was I thinking? Now, I am left to pick up the wreckage that used to be a perfectly satisfying life. I did not have self-worth problems, I did not have problems with how I looked, I did not have a problem with how feminine I was or was not. I didn’t have a problem with a lot of things. As I imagine he didn’t either. But, I wasn’t shattering his masculinity every single day.
i think that I took him very much by surprise when I actually did file for divorce. I had mentioned it several times over the past couple of years, but he never thought I would actually take any action. He said everything I said was just talk and more talk, no action. Well, I guess you shouldn’t threaten me physically. I don’t cotton to that very well. I just wish I could pinpoint where it all went wrong. When I became unhappy with him and he with me. I play it over in my mind, and nothing seems to just pop out at me. I think I became upset with myself when I stopped getting mad about his Internet activities. There was no point. i was just wasting breath. I do not know, but I do not think I will try it again anytime soon. Talk about a learning experience. Never again will I allow myself to be treated like that. I am surprised I didn’t see it until the very end. After all, I grew up in an emotionally abusive family. I should have seen it for what it was and left much sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so scarred. Again.