“…..Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)…”
What is the current state of my madness? Yes, I will call it that, because I do believe I am beginning to fall down the Rabbit Hole to have tea with the Mad Hatter. Whether this is going to be the good kind of madness where I actually get stuff done, or if it is going to be the kind where I am paralyzed I do not know. I have no time for the paralyzing type of madness. I have to move. It has become essential to my physical and mental well-being.
It is clear from taking the Holmes and Rahe life stress test that I am dangerously close to the edge of some precipice. I scored 314, and anything above 300 puts a person at extreme risk of becoming ill. What kind of ill they are talking about I do not know, so for my purposes, I will assume mental illness because physically I am fine. Mentally, I am not so sure. I have been passing through hypomania (though not true mania thanks to my meds ability to manage that) and mild depression for about a week now. I think they call it mixed episodes which I so often present at my psychiatrist’s office. One would think I would be used to them by now. However, they always take me by surprise. Hence the precipice of the Rabbit Hole that I feel like I am standing on. And, the ground beneath my feet is not super solid. I can feel it crumbling a little bit more everyday.
Part of the reason for this feeling, I believe, is that I have to give my current rental company a 30 day notice by Wednesday, and the apartment complex I located that had reasonable rent for the size of the apartment is giving me the run-around. Yeah, granted my credit isn’t that great; it plummeted when I was sued by my Student Loan company. It wasn’t that great prior to that, but it was like Black Friday all over again. I also discovered that a bankruptcy that should have been removed from my record is going to be there until 2015 instead of 2013 when it should have been removed from my credit report. So, needless to say, I do not look like a good risk even though I always pay my rent first. I have no desire to be homeless, and homeless with a cat is all the more impossible. Needless to say, I am extremely on edge. I am looking at losing what little I have managed to acquire in my lifetime. It may not be much, but it is mine.
I am doing my damnedest to remain positive, and know that everything will work itself out. That’s not how my brain works naturally. I always seem to think the most dire of things are definitely going to happen. Now, whether that is anxiety talking, or the Manic-Depression, I do not know.All I know is that my internal dialogue is trying to sabotage me. The most dire thoughts are winning, and the positive “everything will be okay” thoughts are being suppressed. I am losing my own argument. That alone does not bode well for stability of madness.
I keep taking my meds as I am very medication compliant having seen what will happen if I try to go off of them. It isn’t like I am on a whole lot of medication. However, the random thoughts keep coming and they are very negative. The stupid “voices” keep telling me that nothing is going to work out, that everything is fucked (pardon my french, that’s how I feel), that I am going to be homeless or at the less positive end of the scale, that I will be living with my soon to be ex husband for longer than I thought. That really gets on my last nerve. I would give anything for the more confident, positive thoughts to be stronger, but they never have. The negative is more powerful and always has been.
Apparently, I should drop in more often to check what condition my condition is in……