……. I guess that’s what you’d call it. It is part sadness, part hurt, and part confusion. I guess that equals disappointment. I don’t know. All I do know is that I feel this ache deep in my soul for something better than I currently have. I have this yearning for someone to really love me, and just me for who I am, how I look, what I think. I do not think this is too much to ask. I thought I had found it, but now I realize it was all smoke and mirrors. I think I did have it once, but I threw that away for where I am at now. And where I am not is not healthy for me. I had a man who loved me for me, and all of my quirks and eccentricities. I did not have to walk on eggshells with this man. But he was so patient and kind to me. He never did anything to hurt me, ever. I do not think he had it in him to hurt me in any way.
But, I traded what was probably the truest love of my life for a man who refuses to learn about bipolar illness, but would rather rely on previous experience with two other bipolar women. He thinks we are all the same. None of us are like the other. Just because we share a common disorder does not mean that we are all the same. We are all different, we manifest differently, we all present with more of some symptoms and less of others. He continues to do things to hurt me emotionally, he is verbally abusive, he does not know how to truly love a person with all their flaws be they from a mental illness or they are just eccentric. I feel like he expects that everyone be like him. He thinks he can walk six inches off the ground. He is so egotistical and self centered that he can’t see the forest for the trees. He thinks everything is okay the way it is. Status quo and all. As long as he gets what he wants, he is happy.
When I “act” up (i.e. express an opinion or talk to him about something that is bothering me), he chalks it up to the manic depression. Can he not see that I am not always way up and way down? I have to remind him when discussing something unpleasant like bills that this is not the” Bipolar me” that is talking to him. That it is a pissed off adult who cannot understand why he has decided to stop paying bills, for example. He pays rent, and that is it. He doesn’t cover his half of the electric, gas, water, trash, phone, and cable bills at all. I have had to ask my mother for rent money, gas money, stuff for the cats (which she suggested yesterday I get rid of because I asked once for money to buy food and litter). I make a little over $900 a month, he get about $100 more than I do monthly. He has no reason to not pay his share of the bills. In fat, he is in a better position than I am to do so. But, he is more than happy to think that my mom will bail us out.
She’ll help me out of this marriage if that is what it takes, but I can tell, she thinks he is a loser. My grandmother upon meeting him had to say only a few words, “You take good care of her.” He hasn’t. He has provided food, but comfort and love are completely absent in this marriage. So, is respect. Because of some of the online activities that he chooses to partake in, I have absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. I cannot respect another individual who has no respect for me. And, he has no respect for me, or he wouldn’t participate in his little “diversions” as he calls them. He spends more time on these dalliances than he does with me. He goes into his little office/room, and stays there all day and all night. I sleep at night, he sleeps during the day. Pretty convenient if you do not want to deal with the reality of life.
What he doesn’t realize is that his choice not to spend money to pay his share of the bills every month is about to manifest itself as no gas (we have gas hot water, stove and oven), no electricity (no TV, no Internet), no trash pickup, no water (even of it is cold). I am going to pay my half so I cannot say that I didn’t try to keep these things from happening. He lost his storage locker because he made the choice not to pay the monthly fee, he is going to get sued or have his check garnished by a state he lived in because he made the choice not to continue to pay them. These things affect only him. But, his decision to put himself first over everything including our monthly living expenses has an effect on me and has ramifications for me. It is not just him that this choice affects like the others.
I cannot believe I gave up a man who truly did love me for this. This is nearly unbearable. I am going to have to start looking for an apartment because I have no intention of remaining here with him once the lease runs out. Not unless some things around here change drastically. I am not saying it is just him, I have my own changes to make as well. It takes two to fuck everything up, it takes two to fix it and make it work, and so far, I have been doing all the fixing and the work. But then again, I have done my fair share of fucking up, too. I am just so disappointed. I used to have a life with friends, stuff to do, people to see and meet, I had a man who loved me with all his heart. Boy, did I really screw up this time. Almost as dumb as starting to smoke in my teens, and I count that as the number one dumbest thing I ever did. That should tell ya something. Anyway, enough whining for now.