I never thought the above words would describe my life. Alone, yes, but that was alone by myself. As in no roommate, no live-in boyfriend, just cats. Which if I think about it makes me seem creepy in a way. But, seriously, it was me and my pets. I was not alone and with someone. Now I am alone but married. And, that makes no sense to me. I think (possibly paranoia speaking here) that he intentionally keeps different hours than I do so he only sees me for a portion of his waking hours. And, even then, he does not see me. He is glued to his computer in his little second or third bedroom “office.” I do not know what he does in there, and I really do not want to know. It would probably just make me mad. You know he and I have not shared any couples time in almost a month? We are not a couple. We are two entities who collided like particles in a particle accelerator. We ran into each other, meshed and decided getting married seemed to be the thing to do. I do not think that particles that have been smashed apart or fused together by an accelerator should be getting married. It just isn’t smart, level headed, or rational. It is the action of two teenagers that think they are madly in love….. the key word here is “think.” So, I thought I was in love with him, and he thought he was in love with me, and he cannot demonstrate physical affection, so, maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe he was in love with the idea of being in love. It is probably both of our faults that we find ourselves in this mess.
I do not think I am in love with him anymore, and if I am, it is been buried so deeply down in the recesses of my mind that I do not know how to dredge the feelings up any more. He has hurt me way too many times, broken too many promises, and gotten angry with me for asking him to take me to the psych hospital; like I really wanted to lock myself up voluntarily. Hell, no, I hate that place, but he began yelling at me that he was sick of my “attention seeking” behavior. I was not fucking kidding about needing to go to the funny farm. I was having tea with the Mad Hatter and the Red Queen had lost her head by the time I asked. So, he yelled at me that he was tired of the behavior. Now, I just do not talk. I stopped eating after he told me I had gained weight. So, as the old saying goes “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.” Now, he has a silent wife who is slowly starving herself, and contemplating the pill bottle game again. Be very careful what you ask for either out loud, through your thoughts or through your actions.
I was told I was getting fat, I stopped eating. I was told I was “attention seeking,” I shut the fuck up, I get yelled at, I just take it now as part of his flawed personality. Not that I walk on or above water, I certainly do not, but at least I do not act like I do.
I have become untouchable for reasons unknown, but i suspect it is the weight issue. A whole bunch of people have noticed that I have lost weight except, you can take your wild stab in the dark here, him. I know he has noticed but, for the love of god, say something about it. It isn’t hard to open your mouth and heart and pay someone a compliment. It’s not like he ran into an evil serial killer clown that super-glued his lips shut. He is capable of giving a compliment, or even a simple out of the blue “I Love You” would be nice. But I am untouchable, he won’t touch me at all. Its like he’s afraid to catch cooties or something. It is situations like this that drive people to cheating or divorce. I am not something that can thrive without attention. He gives his plants more attention than he does to me. I could be lying dead on the bathroom floor for hours before he would think to look for me, or at least, that is the way it feels to me. But, I am the sick one, the one with the mood problem, therefore it is probably paranoid thinking on my part. It seems like my emotions never steer me in the correct way, but my gut instincts have always been pretty good, and right now they are telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t want have sex with me any more, that touching me in any way, shape or form is out of the question. I am sorry but that does not work for me. I need to feel loved and wanted, and apparently he cannot provide that for me any more.
He used to be very affectionate, and then the love of his life died, and that was the end of that. No more attention or affection for his wife. He died at the same time that she did. Her name was Grace, and apparently they had a love affair for the ages. That was really the end of his ability to show love and affection toward any body. I think when this lease is up, we should go our own separate ways. I am not getting what I need out of the relationship, and apparently neither is he.
I feel like I am living in a caste system. And, I am at the bottom of the system where the untouchables live. I certainly did not ever think that my life could be summed up in three words: Alone, Untouchable and Unloved. I never thought that could happen, but I guess that is the problem with saying never.
I guess I’ll go dishes since that was a maid does…..well, except Arnold Schwanegger’s :)