I know I haven’t been blogging much over the past month or so, but, I just haven’t had anything to write about. Which is odd for me. I did write a 4 page thesis in my journal about my fear of my doctors’ retiring, people passing away before me, and how I could rationalize suicide so as not to be left alone with only myself to look after me. I do not always do a great job of that.
I did have the pleasure of taking the MMPI (Minnesota Multi-phasic Personality Inventory), and it confirmed that I am nearly equally as depressed as I am manic. So, that was nothing new. My paranoia score was quite high, but this little diagnostic tool can be quite accurate if you report honestly. Apparently, I am having a hard time trusting people. I think it is that my chemical riddled brain is finally starting to process how abusive my marriage really was. Leave it to me to marry a guy who really couldn’t show emotion or attach himself to a person and has a rather banal addiction to internet porn. It is interesting, though that since I have been divorced my level of “self-worth” has ridden. Probably because I am not trying to be something that I am not. My anxiety level is higher than normal, but I chalk that up to being a slave to public transportation. Would explain the paranoia too. You would believe how many men will stop to offer me a ride. I mean, really? These guys really think I am going to get into a stranger’s vehicle. No, I value my life and personal safety too much to do something that erratic. You feel really exposed sitting on the side of a street waiting for a bus that may not come for 45 minutes especially when you are female even if you are 5’10″ tall, and could probably take a potential creep down. See, paranoid.
Another blogger posed a very interesting question in his last post. He stated that many people with manic depression consider it to be part of who they are, and if there were a “magic” pill that could fix everything, would you take it? I do not consider Bipolar to be part of who I am, fundamentally. I believe that it is something that I have. It is estimated that somewhere around 3% of the population have this disorder to varying degrees. It is gender neutral and can afflict males and females equally. Hence, I am not the only person who “suffers” with this affliction. I have always been moody, and generally depressed. I had my first major depressive episode when I was about 12. I had my first nuclear meltdown when I was 30. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I with Psychotic tendencies, Panic Disorder with and with out Agoraphobia, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But, I have always been anxious and a bit high strung. This is the personality that I am used to. If there were a magic pill that could take all that away, who and what would I be? People live productive lives with this disorder all the time. Just Google “famous people with Bipolar”. You’d be surprised who also has this disorder, and hide it quite well. I hide it quite well. Most people just think I am weird.
I guess my biggest fear about a pill that could fix everything right now is that it would also change my personality which I have grown quite fond of, even if no one else is a big fan. I do not know how I feel about that idea. I mean, getting rid of the paranoia, the anxiety, the fear, and the constant mixed state so quickly might trigger something else. It’s like my father explained to me once; for each medication you take, it locks like a key into the neuroreceptors that it was designed to fit. This opens up other receptors kind of like doors. One medication closes a door, but opens new ones. The scientists do not know how most of these medications really work in the brain. A magic pill could be like the genie in the bottle. It opens, you make your wishes and hope they were the right ones. So, in response, I would have to really consider what a “magic” pill would do before I took it. Mostly, I would be afraid that it would so fundamentally change my brain chemistry that I would no longer be who I consider myself to be, and would end all of the traits that make up who I am aside from the Bipolar disorder. Your basic nature is a combination of genetics and your environment. I do not know I feel about messing with the brain at the genetic level. That freaks me out a little bit.
In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “…And that’s all I have to say about that..”.